The third Thursday of every November usually features the same traditions for most families. Football is on TV, turkey is in the oven, family is gathered in the living room, and right on time, your uncle Mike starts arguing about gun laws and everyone has butter knives held against each other’s throats. No Thanksgiving dinner would be complete without these six family stereotypes.
- Newly Vegan Cousin
“Did you guys know that 3 million turkeys are killed each year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ew, no thanks, I’ll just stick to my plate of quinoa.”
That’s really great Becky, but I’m still going to eat turkey until my gut forces me to unbutton my pants. She rolled up in her 1995 Subaru Outback with an “I ♥ the earth” sticker on the back. This cousin has only been vegan for 47 days, but will still spend most of her time explaining why you need to become vegan as well.
- Cousin that you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving
“So are you still working at Chick-fil-A?”
“No, I quit.”
You’re not exactly sure what his name is, but you’re 80% sure it starts with an “M”. After asking around, you find out that it’s Michael, and you start to desperately think of a conversation starter. You vaguely remember him mentioning he owns a snake. This is used as fuel for your riveting 45-second conversation.
- Uncle that played quarterback in high school
“Just run a nine route Joey. I’m about to launch this puppy.”
Most families like to participate in a giant game of backyard football. Your uncle Brian has been looking forward to this moment ever since he turned thirty. This is because that’s when he realized this is the only time he’ll be acknowledged for his quarterback skills since a small local community college offered him a scholarship back in 1981. He’s most likely six beers deep and spends most of the game letting you know that his nickname was “Golden Arm” back in high school. As the night goes on, he starts to get more vulgar as he complains about his receivers (who are no older than 10) dropping his passes.
- Screaming kids
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, why!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, where!?!?!?!?!?!”
These kids scatter across the entire house, inside, outside, upstairs, downstairs; there is no escape. Oftentimes, you can’t even tell what emotion they are trying to express from their intense shrieks. These outbursts consist mostly of incoherent screaming followed by a single word that poses a question for the rest of us to try and decipher what it is they want.
- Cousin’s new bf/gf
“Yeah, Justin and I met in my ceramics class, and I don’t know, we just kind of had a spark.”
For the fourth year in a row, your cousin has brought their significant other to your family Thanksgiving dinner. The best part is it’s a different person each year, and as time goes on, he or she realizes that no one there has hope for their relationship. They’ll be the topic of conversation for two minutes until everyone realizes this is just like the previous four SO’s. No one is amused by the fact that they like The Office, or that they won Student of the Month freshman year. All faith is lost, love is a lie, and failure is expected.
- Relative that makes everything political
“Yeah, that’s great and all, but don’t you guys think everyone should carry a gun with them to ensure their safety?”
No matter what the topic of conversation is, this relative will do whatever it takes to make sure everyone understands their views. This has never ended on a positive note, and oftentimes, the conversation will come to an end because everyone walks away or spoon catapults of mash potatoes will spiral across the table.
Kyle Lynch, Staff Reporter